In looking through old emails, I found this from 10/23/12. Looking back on it now, I can laugh but chances are all of us have been in a situation like this so I thought I’d share.
It’s almost a year to when I left for North Carolina. I went because I wanted to make changes.
And now a year later, I wonder if things are better or worse. I’m over 500 pounds. Last I saw was 519lbs but that was in the summer. At one point, I was down to 478.
I seem to serve everyone but me. And in true ironic fashion, those I serve’s efforts are those which would be for my better.
In July, I told my bosses I was leaving in November to come back to NC. Instead they presented me with pay raise that could pay me high 5 figures to lower 6 figures in the next 12 months. They asked I hold until Jan 2013. So my days typically start at 5-6am at a trainer who by the time it’s over, I’m deader than a doornail. I then rush home to throw down food, shower, change, and then zoom to work by 8:30am/asap. I then if I’m lucky get out by 6–more like 6:30pm.
And then it’s to home.
Yeah, this was the last thing I wanted a year later.
Still stuck at the house with my parents. It wasn’t supposed to go this way. I was supposed to move in with my Grandmother. That was delayed and then she died. I should started looking but there was this lingering thought about returning to Structure House for an extended stay. And by July, I thought I was going…and then…well you know what happened with my bosses. The result? I’m in a house in which politics and games get played.
I also found out something else: when the money is gone, so is the help. By June I found myself behind on bills. It’s amazing how support and help disappear when there’s no check or a credit card payment to be made. So I found myself alone taking help from anyone and everyone–most who had their own ideas and agendas. Alone at the time I needed the most help. I reached out to a few who I thought were the people who’d be my help and support but they seemed to suddenly have disappeared as well.
So there I was–broke, stuck, plans backfiring, and no support. Is it any wonder I’d end up in the only one place for the peace I crave: my car.
A notrious place of habit filled binge/stress eating. Was it any wonder in trying to find a calm, quiet, peaceful, happy place that suddenly ended up my car that fast food would once again return to my life? It shouldn’t have been. It wasn’t an immediate stuff my face. No, far more sinister. It started with my thoughts I could control it and that “I was doing that”. Soon I just didn’t care. I kept saying “eh, I’ll recover and we’ll get back on track” but truth is I didn’t have an interest in it. In returning home, I also found a 2nd problem: I was unsatisfied with just about everything in my life and had no clue what to do about it or change.
So here I am–stuck at the fork in the road with map in Korean and no universal translator.
It leads to the big question:
Go back to Durham and Structure House or stay the course.
If I could ever seem to determine the answer, it would make my life a lot easier.
Going means I probably won’t keep my job. But it gets me away from everything and allows me to start fresh. Maybe even permanently move there for a while. Staying means, I need to find a place of my own like 5 minutes ago and start pushing the scale back in the right direction. It also means I’m committed to being in Chicago–something I’ve not been sure I wish to be. There’s a part of me that thinks if I could make the kind of money they claim and save, in 1-2 years I could walk away, head for NC, and never look back for a while. But then I remember I’m 40. And at this weight, I might not have 1-2 years.
So that’s what’s been going on. Wish I could say it was better.