True confession time. After my last post, knew I need to buckle down. I also knew trying to do that during the holidays was as likely as it not snowing all winter in Chicago. I didn’t set out to gorge but if there was something I’d not touched in a while, had a taste for, and just so happened to be sitting in front of me…
I ate it.
Today I stepped on the scale tipping in at 376 pounds. Since getting down to 306 in May, I’ve gained 70 pounds. That includes 5-7 days at the gym. I am now 156 pounds from my stated goal. I could give you rationales but most would be excuses. I am aware of what’s happened. I know what I need to do. But knowing and doing are two different things. We all face times where we know what we should be doing but we’re simply not doing it.
3 weeks ago I promised myself that today was go time. That I was going to pull it all together. That I was going to get back to what needed to be done. I woke up this morning to freezing cold, darkness, and the moon still in the sky. The last place I wanted to be this morning was the gym.
But I got dressed, hopped in the car, and met my trainer. This morning’s workout was a nightmare. After a week off, more 10 more additional pounds from the previous week, and pretty high carb diet for the last 5 days; this morning’s workout simply wasn’t pretty. It reminded me a lot of my early days in November 2013–when I could barely get around the gym and couldn’t touch my toes. This combined with a trainer pushing me to make commitments my mind simply doesn’t seem to want to make had me in the wrong mindset.
Once it was over, I plopped on the couch–the same couch I did when I was that big, fat, out shape me. I sat thinking about everything I’d done and accomplished. What I wanted to do and how I wanted more. And here I was simply failing. Failing to put it together. Failing to find the fire and passion. I just gained 70 pounds in 7 months.
I’m looking to present and talk in front of others about weight loss. How am I ever going to be able to look people in the eye and talk to them if I can’t get my shit together?
Structure House gave me a jacket for what I accomplished. I can’t even look at it without being angry at myself.
But as I’ve learned in this process, sometimes all it takes is being around the right people. As I sat on that couch thinking what a failure and loser I’d become, a woman named Mary approached me. She reminded me people have setback. She reminded me not to give up. She quoted Oprah.
Okay that last part I could did without but you get the point. Then she said something else–“keep it up, you inspire everyone around here”.
Once again, I’m reminded about how great people can be. That with everything people hear, see, and say there are a lot of great and amazing people out there.
I promised myself today was the day. Today it would be different. It will not be easy. The call of McDonalds, cookies and cake, and pizza will be strong. There will be days I wish to go out with friends for a meal and I’ll need to say no–when I wish to say yes. I will need to listen to many negative voices who have watched the last few months and have become nervous. Voices that no matter how much I remind them this is my path wish to make detours on it. I will need to be successful so those voices will once again be quieted.
As I get closer to my goal, it will be harder. I will have to work harder. I will have to work smarter. I will have to fight to remember why I’m doing this. Why it’s worth it. That without struggle their would be accomplishment.
The 70 pounds I gained was yesterday.
Today is a new day.
I’ll do it as I always have–one moment at a time. I will be present. If I make a mistake, I will not dwell on it. I will move forward. I will go to the gym even if it’s just 15 minutes on a very low speed. I will keep going. I will not give up. I will lose this weight. I will accomplish my goal.
I will do this because I know I can do it.
I will get to 220.
The new day starts now.