This morning, I got on the scale.
Not bad since I had pecan pie and a 7 oz fillet last night.
(Note to all the food police: Yes, I should not be eating pecan pie. So noted and stipulated. Thank you.)
As I thanked god and creation, I got off the scale in the locker room. That’s when someone said it:
“You’re doing great! Keep going!”
Ever since the winter of 2013, this is a regular happening at Lifetime Fitness Old Orchard. As I’ve mentioned previously, I went from sideshow to rock star. There were days when I couldn’t get through a workout without being stopped. My trainers get asked about me when I’m not in the building.
As Ron Burgundy once said, I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. And for the most part, I enjoy it. It’s nice to walk in the building like I’m Norm from Cheers. Especially when most of my life I dreaded going to the gym–a place of the pretty and buff–two things I’m not.
Now when someone wishes to compliment me and things are going well, it’s a polite thank you and try to be humble (somewhere my true friends are laughing at that). Usually that includes a comment like…”well, I appreciate that but I’m not finished yet”. And I’m not. I’m 133 pounds away as of this morning.
But on the days when the scale isn’t my friend…well, it’s a lot heard feel good about those words. Especially when you know if you didn’t stop at Culver’s for a Concrete Mixer frozen custard with cookie dough, peanut butter cups, and peanut butter syrup things would gone much better. So when a well meaning person says those nice words, my inner loser knows better and get squirely.
Now in the past, I was losing more. That meant this wasn’t an issue. But as I mentioned previously, in April of 2014 I was at 307. I was closing in on 300. I was 87 pounds from goal.
After Thanksgiving I was at 360. For those not wanting to do the math, that’s a gain of 53 pounds since then. So when well meaning individuals would walk up to me these last few months and say…
“Hey, you’re doing great!”
I AM NOT DOING GREAT! I JUST GAINED AGAIN AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS CHEESEBURGERS WITH BACON! THINGS ARE NOT GREAT! I’VE GAINED A SHITLOAD OF WEIGHT AND I TOTALLY SUCK!
That’s what I want to say. What do I usually say?
And then the worst feel in the world happens. The one where I look at myself in the mirror and my mind is thinking only one thing.
Yes, I should look at the big picture but when 1 pound becomes 5 and 5 becomes 15…well, it’s not so easy. You know that right now, a pat on the back or high five is the last thing in the world you deserve. Then comes the fun part. You feel guilt. In my case guilt leads to stress. What do I do when I’m stressed?
You guessed it–I eat.
All because someone tried to be nice and my mind twisted it into something else entirely. The last few months, I’ve allowed myself to say and think horrible things about myself. But I also know this. I don’t want to go back to who and what I used to be either.
There is no question I am my own worst enemy. Everyday I’ll need to remember to stay positive and not give up. That when somebody says “you’re doing great” it’s a reason smile and stand proud even if the night before you had too many carbs and the scale says your up.
I may feel like a fraud at times but the truth is I’m stronger, faster, and healthier than any point in my life. If I just continue to believe in myself, I will figure it out. I will lose the weight. I will reach my goal.
He was right: I am doing great.