From 589 pounds to 220 pounds. This is my journey. Welcome to the countdown.

Posts tagged ‘dark days’

Let’s try that again shall we…

I wrote a blog post about it being “go time” and how we’re going to do better yesterday. How it’s going to be different.

And then I went to the Marianno’s hot food bar and grabbed mac and cheese.

And Chinese food.

And honey chicken wings.

Did I mention the potato pancakes?

Yeah, it went different all right.

I’d love to tell you it went better today but the trip to Wendy’s for what was supposed to be just ice coffee turned into a sausage biscuit, homestyle fries, and oh yeah and ice coffee.

Yeah I’m going all right–right to another 5-6 pounds!

What was I thinking…

About how my trainer, who I love to death, got on me about the 13 pounds I gained last week.

How my overloaded carbbed ass felt running around the track.

Like everybody keeps looking at my like a giant train wreck.

Why is it so f’n cold outside?

Why family members who know I’m struggling don’t realize that their meddling makes it worse.

When that nagging butt injury is going away. (Actually it’s between my butt and my hip. Butt just sounded funnier)

Credit Card Debt

Bills

Work

And of course, how I seem to have hit EPIC FAIL in a 7 month period.

I know I can do this. I’ve done it twice now. Once in North Carolina and when I got home. I know what I need to do. It would be easier if the fire and passion were there right now.

They’re not.

And that makes it a lot harder.

It means sacrifices will need to be made. For a while, I could go to any restaurant and make great choices. That’s not happening now. Much it means I’ll not be able to socialize with friends, I’m going to have to say no. They’ll understand but as I’m a pretty social person, it’s going to just about kill me.

It means no fast food period. I’d kicked it for almost a year. I believed I could handle rare occasions. That’s no longer the case. So tonight when I head home the hardest battle begins. The one in which I pass dozens of fast food joints trying to stay strong and not end up in one’s drive thru.

It means watching the portion sizes and the carbs. I love carbs. Warm bread/rolls is a guilty pleasure. But since I’ll be dropping my restaurant eating, I’m hoping this won’t be as much as of an issue. The portion sizes will be an issue though. I’ve noticed they’ve gotten larger. I think it happened when I was working out more. At one point I was doing twice a day three times a week plus one session everyday or 10,000 steps. I mistook the worn down feeling as needing more energy from food when I probably needed a multi-vitamin and fish oil.

Most of all, I need to find a therapist. I’ve resisted a for a while now. I have two great ones in North Carolina but our schedules don’t work and I need someone in Chicago. I’ve also resisted because for years I would bitch, moan, and complain to one. I felt better for a few minutes but I didn’t make changes nor could I get myself to.

All that the changes in my life have come because I stopped talking about and started doing something about it. So going back to a therapist right now makes me wonder is this really going to do anything for me right now? Or will I just end up like I used to be and not taking action?

I already know the answer because the stress is just making things rougher. I need to find a healthy outlet or no matter what happens, I’ll burn out like this again.

The good news? I’m aware of all this. I know what I need to do. I also know I can do it so it’s not a lack of confidence. I also know I have a lot of people behind me.

I promised myself this was a new day. The last two have not been those days. That changes the minute I finish this post. I will not give up. I am not going to quit. I’m going to keep going. And I will not stop until I get it right and back on track.

So let’s try again shall we?

Today is a new day.

What a difference a year makes!

In looking through old emails, I found this from 10/23/12. Looking back on it now, I can laugh but chances are all of us have been in a situation like this so I thought I’d share.

It’s almost a year to when I left for North Carolina. I went because I wanted to make changes.
And now a year later, I wonder if things are better or worse. I’m over 500 pounds. Last I saw was 519lbs but that was in the summer. At one point, I was down to 478.
I seem to serve everyone but me. And in true ironic fashion, those I serve’s efforts are those which would be for my better.
In July, I told my bosses I was leaving in November to come back to NC. Instead they presented me with pay raise that could pay me high 5 figures to lower 6 figures in the next 12 months. They asked I hold until Jan 2013. So my days typically start at 5-6am at a trainer who by the time it’s over, I’m deader than a doornail. I then rush home to throw down food, shower, change, and then zoom to work by 8:30am/asap. I then if I’m lucky get out by 6–more like 6:30pm.
And then it’s to home.
Yeah, this was the last thing I wanted a year later.
Still stuck at the house with my parents. It wasn’t supposed to go this way. I was supposed to move in with my Grandmother. That was delayed and then she died. I should started looking but there was this lingering thought about returning to Structure House for an extended stay. And by July, I thought I was going…and then…well you know what happened with my bosses. The result? I’m in a house in which politics and games get played.
I also found out something else: when the money is gone, so is the help. By June I found myself behind on bills. It’s amazing how support and help disappear when there’s no check or a credit card payment to be made. So I found myself alone taking help from anyone and everyone–most who had their own ideas and agendas. Alone at the time I needed the most help. I reached out to a few who I thought were the people who’d be my help and support but they seemed to suddenly have disappeared as well.
So there I was–broke, stuck, plans backfiring, and no support. Is it any wonder I’d end up in the only one place for the peace I crave: my car.
A notrious place of habit filled binge/stress eating. Was it any wonder in trying to find a calm, quiet, peaceful, happy place that suddenly ended up my car that fast food would once again return to my life? It shouldn’t have been. It wasn’t an immediate stuff my face. No, far more sinister. It started with my thoughts I could control it and that “I was doing that”. Soon I just didn’t care. I kept saying “eh, I’ll recover and we’ll get back on track” but truth is I didn’t have an interest in it. In returning home, I also found a 2nd problem: I was unsatisfied with just about everything in my life and had no clue what to do about it or change.
So here I am–stuck at the fork in the road with map in Korean and no universal translator.
It leads to the big question:
Go back to Durham and Structure House or stay the course.
If I could ever seem to determine the answer, it would make my life a lot easier.
Going means I probably won’t keep my job. But it gets me away from everything and allows me to start fresh. Maybe even permanently move there for a while. Staying means, I need to find a place of my own like 5 minutes ago and start pushing the scale back in the right direction. It also means I’m committed to being in Chicago–something I’ve not been sure I wish to be. There’s a part of me that thinks if I could make the kind of money they claim and save, in 1-2 years I could walk away, head for NC, and never look back for a while. But then I remember I’m 40. And at this weight, I might not have 1-2 years.
So that’s what’s been going on. Wish I could say it was better.

 

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