From 589 pounds to 220 pounds. This is my journey. Welcome to the countdown.

Posts tagged ‘goal setting’

Recap–1/26/15 (Week 3)

This was a make or break week. After last week’s two pound gain, I was at 369. The brief weight loss could be a facade or we could be on track.

I made myself some promises last week. Here’s how I did:

*I got to the gym more. It wasn’t exactly on time but I got there. I also did both WERQ dance classes–even if I was 30 minutes late for Thursday. But other than Saturday, I got to the gym everyday and twice on Monday and Thursday.

*I started using the Lifetime “to go” meals. I need to get in regular habit of ordering in advance. The result was a couple of days where I went to Whole Foods instead. That’d be fine but some of those days I could made better choices. I also need to watch the portion sizes there. And samples, much I hate to say it, count. I would put my usage at about 3 of the 5 work days.

*Supplements and Vitamins all week. Not one miss. I’m not a big on this stuff but I’ve felt the difference when I’ve overworked myself or when I move.

I wasn’t perfect–but I wasn’t bad either. I just wouldn’t say I was good. I did okay might be best. On Friday I was still hovering around 369-370. But I was a little more careful over the weekend. The combined with an evening of West Coast Swing dancing, a WERQ dance class, and yoga made all the difference.

This morning’s weight: 360.6.

For those playing at home, that’s 9 pounds. Since 1/5/15, when I restarted, I’ve dropped 17 pounds in 3 weeks. I’m thrilled by this because the glass is still half full in terms of what I can tweak and work on. It’s later on when real cuts and sacrifices are going to have to be made that I expect trouble. But for now I’m happy there’s room to improve and grow.

Looking ahead, this week is not going to be easy. Monday and Thursday nights I’ll be doing WERQ Fitness. Tuesday night I’m presenting on behalf of Toastmasters. Wednesday night I have a Toastmasters’ meeting. Friday night I’m supposed to go out on a date. And Sunday is the Super Bowl–a notorious eating day.

That means a lot of my dinners are going to be “on the run”, “to go”, or at a restaurant. It is a week like this that can send you a wrong direction. Normally on Monday and Thursday nights I’ll eat in the Lifecafe then dry sauna. This week, I’m thinking finish my workout, head home, and eat there. Tuesday night looks like eat in advance and/or bring a snack.

This brings me to Wednesday. I’d really like to with friends that night. And I can if I make good choices and do well early in the week. Still not sure where I’m going on Friday. Sunday…I think I’ll be okay if I bring my own food. I’ll probably still eat too much but as long as the quality is better and I’ve done what I need to it should be okay.

Along with the previous goals, the following are new ones I’m adding:

*No more community food from the Kitchen.

This is going to be hard.The kitchen is where I store my food and water for the day. It’s also where people drop “free” goodies for the rest the office. Once in a while it’s nuts–which is better but usually…cookies, cakes, donuts–you get the idea. Even with resolve and willpower, there’s only so much you can do. Given I’m a stress eater that can also play in. I’m going to need to find healthier options I can store and not feel like I’m missing something. What that is has yet to be determined. Still, if I don’t make this a goal in writing, I’ll put this off so now it’s here.

*No more special peanut butter cups.

Don’t ask me why but I see those peanut butter cups–the ones shaped like xmas trees, pumpkins, hearts, etc and seem to want them. The regular peanut butter cups I can seemingly resist most of the time. But these…these are the ones that kill me. It’d be different if it was one a week. But when you sell them 3 for $2—you’ve suddenly eaten enough calories where I could have had a steak! It’s not effected me so far but it will later on. Much as I love these things, I have to nip it in the bud.

Okay those goals are harder than the previous ones. Combined with last week’s goals, it should give me enough to work on. I’d hoped to have dropped 20 pounds this month. I’m 3 away from doing just that. The rest is all gravy.

Still, we have a long way to go. I’m 140 pounds from goal and just last May I was at 306–a number I’m now 54 pounds away from. The good news is I’ve traveled this road. I’ve done this once and I know what it takes to do it again. But to get to uncharted territory, I need to make changes in my habits now or I’ll once again find myself going the wrong direction.

What I do today will effect tomorrow. Can’t wait to see what tomorrow looks like.

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Let’s try that again shall we…

I wrote a blog post about it being “go time” and how we’re going to do better yesterday. How it’s going to be different.

And then I went to the Marianno’s hot food bar and grabbed mac and cheese.

And Chinese food.

And honey chicken wings.

Did I mention the potato pancakes?

Yeah, it went different all right.

I’d love to tell you it went better today but the trip to Wendy’s for what was supposed to be just ice coffee turned into a sausage biscuit, homestyle fries, and oh yeah and ice coffee.

Yeah I’m going all right–right to another 5-6 pounds!

What was I thinking…

About how my trainer, who I love to death, got on me about the 13 pounds I gained last week.

How my overloaded carbbed ass felt running around the track.

Like everybody keeps looking at my like a giant train wreck.

Why is it so f’n cold outside?

Why family members who know I’m struggling don’t realize that their meddling makes it worse.

When that nagging butt injury is going away. (Actually it’s between my butt and my hip. Butt just sounded funnier)

Credit Card Debt

Bills

Work

And of course, how I seem to have hit EPIC FAIL in a 7 month period.

I know I can do this. I’ve done it twice now. Once in North Carolina and when I got home. I know what I need to do. It would be easier if the fire and passion were there right now.

They’re not.

And that makes it a lot harder.

It means sacrifices will need to be made. For a while, I could go to any restaurant and make great choices. That’s not happening now. Much it means I’ll not be able to socialize with friends, I’m going to have to say no. They’ll understand but as I’m a pretty social person, it’s going to just about kill me.

It means no fast food period. I’d kicked it for almost a year. I believed I could handle rare occasions. That’s no longer the case. So tonight when I head home the hardest battle begins. The one in which I pass dozens of fast food joints trying to stay strong and not end up in one’s drive thru.

It means watching the portion sizes and the carbs. I love carbs. Warm bread/rolls is a guilty pleasure. But since I’ll be dropping my restaurant eating, I’m hoping this won’t be as much as of an issue. The portion sizes will be an issue though. I’ve noticed they’ve gotten larger. I think it happened when I was working out more. At one point I was doing twice a day three times a week plus one session everyday or 10,000 steps. I mistook the worn down feeling as needing more energy from food when I probably needed a multi-vitamin and fish oil.

Most of all, I need to find a therapist. I’ve resisted a for a while now. I have two great ones in North Carolina but our schedules don’t work and I need someone in Chicago. I’ve also resisted because for years I would bitch, moan, and complain to one. I felt better for a few minutes but I didn’t make changes nor could I get myself to.

All that the changes in my life have come because I stopped talking about and started doing something about it. So going back to a therapist right now makes me wonder is this really going to do anything for me right now? Or will I just end up like I used to be and not taking action?

I already know the answer because the stress is just making things rougher. I need to find a healthy outlet or no matter what happens, I’ll burn out like this again.

The good news? I’m aware of all this. I know what I need to do. I also know I can do it so it’s not a lack of confidence. I also know I have a lot of people behind me.

I promised myself this was a new day. The last two have not been those days. That changes the minute I finish this post. I will not give up. I am not going to quit. I’m going to keep going. And I will not stop until I get it right and back on track.

So let’s try again shall we?

Today is a new day.

Hey Remember me?

Forgive me father have sinned.

It’s been 239 days since my last posting. The last time y’all heard from me I was closing in on a milestone–being under 300 pounds.

I’d love to tell you I made my goal and I’m at 220 pounds. That I just got busy and lacked time to post is all.

This morning I tipped the scales at 355 or 48 pounds heavier than my last posting here. A lot has happened since my last post. In the first year I was able to shut a lot of the demons and issues out. But they were still there. They found new ways to manifest.

I also began to deal with identity issues. I’d have people walk up telling me “how they feared for me” or things they’d noticed.

Things they never bothered to tell me….until now. The line that killed me the most: “your life must be so much better now!”

It made me ask the following question–what was wrong with the old me? I was a pretty good guy–I think. Did everyone I know around me perceive me as some giant, fat, ass loser ticking time bomb?

Another hurdle has been that 300 number. Twice I’ve pushed forward gotten close only to end up 20 or more pounds away within 7-14 days. The first time it happened, I shook it off. The 2nd time, it lingered. Recently I came back from Structure House in October at 339 and poised to make a run at 300. I’m now 16 pounds heavier.

And while I appreciated all the concern and support from friends, family, co-workers, trainers, and all those in my corner; I needed to sort this out and find answers…on my own. I shut out a lot of people and still am at points.

But one of the bigger mistakes I made was not continuing to write. It’s so easy to write when things are going well. But I promised myself even when times were tough I’d continue to write.

I didn’t.

And the person I hurt most doing so was myself. If I’d done so, I might be in a better place. I also might been able to help others who like me were struggling.

There’s a lot more to write about the past 239 days. I’m not sure when or how much I’ll talk about. I also don’t know when I’ll write again. But I do know this:

I will write again. I also know the countdown isn’t over. I’m 135 pounds from my 220 goal and I will get there. It might not be tomorrow, next week, or next year but I will reach my goal.

I write soon and not in another 239 days.

The Countdown 3/17/2014

Last Week: 323

This Week: 324

Next week’s goal: 318

Magic Number to 220: 104 lbs.

Lost since Nov 2012 (561.8 lbs): 221 lbs

Lost Since Nov 2011 (561.8 lbs): 239 lbs

Highest ever weight recorded/known: 589 (difference of 265 lbs)

 

I was posting these regularly on Monday and the last two…late. I suppose I should be happy I was out 7 nights in a row and ended up only gaining a pound. I went places where I had no business being, ordered wisely, and walked away without my weight skyrocketing.

But it’s now going on week 4 of trying to reach 318. My trainers and team are getting nervous. Some are beginning to question my commitment level.

I can understand that. 

I could have not gone out a few nights. I could have brought my own food. Maybe exercised even more. 

But I didn’t do any of them. 

Last Friday was the 22nd anniversary of the worst day of my life. Someone I considered a friend I can no longer trust. I wasn’t wise with funds, work isn’t going well–and my bosses know it. I got into with one of them last week. Someone on my side no less. Mostly because I wouldn’t let him in with what’s going on with me. Others have noticed as well. 

People want me to strive to better or do my best and right now I just keep wondering how much more I need give. It’s almost like I’ve become a totally different person now. I keep wondering what was wrong with who I was or who I am now. Sometimes I look in the mirror and still see the same fat guy who’s always been there.

I know it’s not true but and I’ve made huge strides but I still look and see a big fat guy. I see the loose skin that sags on my body now that I’ve lost. Yesterday I thought I saw definition in my abs but really it’s covered by a layer of fat. So I get depressed looking at what I did to myself. And yet when people ask me “if I feel better now…”, I get annoyed.

Annoyed as if I was just some loser who sat on the couch all day and ate chips or something. Like I was some sort of total loser before all this. Then there’s the people who think I’m going back to being some 500+ pound guy if I don’t have structure or if I take a break. I’m a different guy now and yet they look at me like it was 16 months ago. 

I feel tired, lost, and like I’ve lost my identity. I almost want to say depressed because the last few days all I wanted to do sometimes was crawl up in a ball and not leave my bed for a while. 

And I think I can motivate people. Hell, I can’t even motivate myself right now. Inspirational my ass!

This all said, I’m not giving up. I may not have this all figured out right now but I’ve come to far. Win or lose, I’m going to keep going. Sooner or later I’m going to put the pieces together again. I’m going to figure out these answers. And call it a gut feeling but I’m pretty sure when I do, it’s all going to fall into place, and better than it ever was.

Just got to believe. 

Next week 318 and I don’t even want to know what happens if I don’t get there.

 

All eyes on me

Recently read someone’s blog about taking a cardio kickboxing class. Got me thinking about my early experiences with dance classes. I’ve always felt comfortable “getting my groove on”. Only when I started getting bigger and got out of shape did I stop. But when I was in North Carolina at Structure House, they had a ballroom dance class and I took it EVERY week. I did some Zumba but felt dead in about 15 minutes every time.

When I got back from North Carolina, I vowed I’d conquer Zumba. When I first started working with Matt my trainer, I told him I’d be doing Zumba. He kind of looked at me like I was nuts. A few months later, I “slipped” into the back row of the Saturday morning Zumba class. Now I say I “slipped” in but there was no slip in here.

Zumba is held in the Lifetime Fitness gym–where everyone can see. You can also see from the 2nd level. Now you might be thinking “but Jeff there’s lots of people in that class. How would anyone notice?”

That would be true…

if _ANY_of them were male.

So it’s me and oh, 70+ women doing Zumba. And if you didn’t think they noticed…well, you’d be mistaken.

They noticed.

And so did everyone else.

My trainer Matt wasn’t even in the building and 20 minutes later, I had a text about it. Other trainers were asking about in days later. Apparently a 400+ guy doing Zumba isn’t common. The first time I didn’t last long maybe 20-30 minutes. Slowly I’d work my way up. More frustrating was trying to pick up all the moves. I’d be going left and the entire room is going right. It’s not an issue except when you’re the only guy and you’re rather large in a room full of women. It’s almost sit com comedy funny to see.

The women were thrilled to have me. They liked having a guy in class. I did however take some crap and a few snickers from guys at the gym. But as I reminded them:

I’m the only guy in a room full of women wearing spandex.

So while they played with their “balls”, I spent 60 minutes with pretty ladies in their form fitting outfits. Certainly beat an hour of treadmill that’s for sure!

About the point I could get through a 60 minute class, I found WERQ. Current hits plus more pop/hip hop moves equaled dropping Zumba because I’d found my thing. If you’ve never seen it, I’d invite you to google or youtube it.

Today, I pick up WERQ twice a week. I’m still the only guy in the room 98% of the time. But I wouldn’t miss it. Best workout I get all week. All the eyes that were on me are either less now or used to seeing me there. Heck there are times where I’m more on the moves than half the women in class.

Besides, I like that all eyes are on me anyway.

The Countdown—3/3/14

Last Week: 330

This Week: 323–GOAL ACCOMPLISHED!!!!

Next week’s goal: 318

Magic Number to 220: 103 lbs.

Lost since Nov 2012 (561.8 lbs): 220 lbs

Lost Since Nov 2011 (561.8 lbs): 238 lbs

Highest ever weight recorded/known: 589 (difference of 266 lbs)

Steps for the week: 63,582

Average Steps per Day: 9,083

Welcome back to the countdown. I apologize for the delay. I find it interesting that the weeks where I accomplish goal are the bounce back weeks. I also think it’s interesting how those weeks have been 6 and 7 pound losses. And given weigh in happened on Wednesday, that’s 7 pounds lost since then not Monday.

The step numbers were low this week. This included a less than 5000 step day. It again begs the question of how hard you work versus quantity of steps. As I write this, I’m almost at 11,000 but I wouldn’t it was a hard workout–just a lot of walking. I do find that the extra walking and movement sometimes helps with thought and stress. But when I get to goal, I’m thinking more quality and less time.

I don’t know I’d say I was perfect but I was watching a little of the what, where, and when. So we’re back to before the Vegas trip. 323 with a goal of 318. I’ve noticed so far this week my intake is up some. Good quality foods but up. Going to need to watch that.

Again, we’re inches away from being under three digits from goal. We’re also 24 pounds from 299–a number I can’t recall when I saw last. My trainer Matt asked me about it this week. I think I was in high school at this weight but under 300…maybe at 14?

I think sometimes that’s where the disconnect happens. I’d daydreamed about it but actually being here is surreal. And sometimes it makes me content. And why wouldn’t I be?

And there lies the rub.

Best shape of my life but even now–not done. And that’s what’s hard. Even harder with the pats on the back and lauding what’s already come. Harder because you so want to take those moments but doing so makes you content. And right now I can’t be content.

The end is so close and yet it’s still far enough away. Frustrating.

Next week–318. We break into the teens, get closer to 299, and double digits to goal. Exciting times for the countdown.

And I opened this door because…

I came back from Las Vegas and wanted to make changes. In one of the seminars, they talked about asking others as to how they perceived the same time or place. It got me to thinking about how I am perceived. So yesterday, I asked my boss.

And he told me the truth.

It’s a funny thing about the truth. Sometimes you think you want it when really you don’t. That came in the form of this revelation:

I do just enough to get by.

Now my “just enough” is pretty good but I could do better and don’t. My radio career failed because I didn’t go the extra mile. In my job, I could do more but I don’t. I claim I want to win the World Championship of Public Speaking but I don’t put in nearly the effort to do so. Even with the weight loss, if I get to 5 pounds and I could get higher, instead I take as a time to go eat pizza or something.

The good news–it’s fixable.

The bad news–I’m not sure I want to.

Yes, I want more and better but am I willing to do it? Will I put in supreme effort? Worse, what if I do and fail?

So where does that leave me?

A mess.

Nobody wants to admit they’re not willing to do something. It’s a horrible feeling. It’ll make you sick to your stomach. The obvious step is to make a change. But what happens when you’re not willing to? What do you do then? Can you live with yourself knowing you’ll never be what you could be?

What do you do when you open a door and find the answer wishing you’d never seen it?

I have a lot to think about and soul search now.

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